Chapter Eleven- Sweet Hour of Prayer

Becoming A Woman Of Prayer-Online Study

Chapter Eleven-

Sweet Hour of Prayer

(Becoming A Woman Of Prayer, © Cynthia Heald, June 2005.  Used by permission of NavPress, all rights reserved.  www.navpress.com)

"For a day in Thy courts is better than a thousand outside. I would rather stand at the threshold of the house of my God, than dwell in the tents of wickedness.'" 

PSALM  84:10 NIV

Last night we concluded the last chapter in our study of "Becoming a Woman of Prayer" by following in this chapter's lead of a directed time of prayer. We had candles, some music (wish I could play an instrument and sing) and about 45 minutes of prayer whilst sitting encircled around a box of tissues. (We're criers.) 

I have been thankful to go through this study and so blessed to study alongside the women who have attended. Oddly enough, while I was certain I would feel more confident in my prayer life, I only find more confidence in God. While I'd hoped I'd grow in my leadership, I feel more inept and evermore aware of my need for reliance on Him. While I hoped we'd have more in attendance, I am encouraged and blessed by the women who did come. They were just who needed to be there and who God moved in. He is good. He is our All in All. He is the Reason. He is the goal. He is the means to bring us to Himself. 

Thank you, if you followed in this study. I pray the Holy Spirit encouraged you and drew you into deeper intimacy with our God through a deeper understanding of who He is and in time with Him. 

Thank you to Cynthia Heald and NavPress who wrote and published this study and who allowed me to  share this study here. 

Thank you Jesus for making yourself so accessible to us and for loving us more than we can comprehend. 

Chapter 3- God's Help In Prayer

Becoming A Woman Of Prayer-Online Study

Chapter Three 

God's Help in Prayer 

(Becoming A Woman Of Prayer, © Cynthia Heald, June 2005.  Used by permission of NavPress, all rights reserved.  www.navpress.com)

"And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26

Yesterday was a rough day. To say the ER was busy is a gross understatement. My role for the day was as the shift coordinator which is code for "in charge with no real authority". It began with a 911 call I had to make from our ER re: a "disruption" and the "spanish inquisition" over the phone line that caused me to question and say....why are you asking me all this, just send help! 

Despite the fact that I'd listened to sermons all the way into work, I never really took the time to pray before the shift which has, if anything, historically prepped my heart for "battle".  The day and the people and the demands of the job took it's toll on my attitude and instead of lifting my hands in prayer... I clenched my fists in frustration, I cursed the circumstances (sad to say, literally), became unglued and cried. Although crying is no foreign expression for me, it's not how I usually respond at work. In fact, it's become my prayer that the fruits of God's Spirit would overflow from Him and out of me to my patients and co-workers and that they may see Christ in my life. Yesterday was a major fail. I wish I could say that in my weakness, I relied on Him for strength..I did not. My heart felt ugly. My mind- defeated. My pride- demolished. Even if no one else perceived this, which I doubt, I left for home at the end of my 12 hour shift deflated and feeling lame. 

This morning, as I showered, I re-inacted the days events in my head. All the conversations, patients,  and confrontations and my reaction to it all left me feeling nauseated. I began to pray and confess my failure to rely on Lord and was unable muster the words. I felt such shame and spiritually felt like I just wanted to hide under a rock. Doesn't this sound familiar? Wasn't it the first man and woman who hid in shame after their sin? I wished that the water from the shower head could've washed away yesterday, taking away the shame and guilt and making me feel clean. As my tears mingled with the water flowing over my head, I was reminded of God's gift of Himself in the Holy Spirit and how He "intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words". My "groanings" were from broken pride and I know there are deeper and far more painful circumstances or events that many people endure every single day...some of those happen in that ER. I am thankful that when these moments come, whether from pride, sin or loss, that the Holy Spirit interprets our cries and speaks on our behalf to our Father who longs to lift our chin, as any loving father does, and gaze into our lives and give us more of Himself and bring us back into His presence. We already know He's invited us. We already know He is Faithful....Isn't it just almost too wonderful that He provides help and an intercessor our behalf. Unlike my 911 experience, the Spirit knows exactly our circumstances and our need and dispatches His help immediately.

In our book and study, God's Help is demonstrated in two ways: God's Spirit and God's Word. (1)

It all comes back to God's provision. He gave us His Spirit when we became His adopted children and also gave us His Word who is first, Christ and is also The Bible. Getting into God's Word helps us to know Him more and see His promises and His glory throughout scripture. His Spirit is another provision so we can communicate and fellowship with our God. 

In the chapter Cynthia shares, " Our gracious God gives us His Spirit to undergird us in prayer. How privileged we are to seek His help in confidence that He will guide us to pray according to His Word." (2)

"Indeed the whole secret of prayer is found in these three words, in the Spirit. 

It is the prayer that God the Holy Spirit inspires that God the Father answers.....The 

one who would pray in the Spirit must meditate much upon the Word, that the 

Holy Spirit may have something through which He can work. The Holy Spirit 

works His prayers in us through the Word, and neglect of the Word makes praying 

in the Holy Spirit an impossibility. If we would feed the fire of our prayers with the 

fuel of God's Word, all our difficulties in prayer would disappear." 

R.A. Torrey (3)

This weeks challenge:  

Pray God's Word. Find a verse, a chapter..you may already have one or you can look one up and praying for God's direction...(shoot, google one if you need to) that is a promise of God for a real and present need in your life. Spend time asking the Lord to fill you with His Spirit and search your heart and align it to His own. 

Again, post this week's verse in a visible spot for you and read it every day.

Question: How do you struggle in your prayer life? Are you fearful of praying wrong? Do you ever struggle with "what" to pray for?

Lord Jesus, Thank you for your redeeming grace. You are our Redeemer. Thank you for, after finishing your work here on earth, giving us The Spirit who teaches and guides, who comforts and moves in us, who reveals more of you to us and intercedes on our behalf. Lord, thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for lifting my chin to your face with the comfort of your Spirit and the promises of your Word. Thank you for a new day. Thank you that while I am incapable, you ARE capable. While I am imperfect, you ARE perfect. Please make me more like you.

In Jesus precious and holy name, Amen.

(1-3) Becoming A Woman Of Prayer, © Cynthia Heald, June 2005.  Used by permission of NavPress, all rights reserved.  www.navpress.com 


If you find yourself falling apart more than holding it together, another Great resource is the book and bible study, Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst. Check it out!

Praying in a Puddle

Lately, during my prayer and worship time, it's become the norm that they both bring me to tears. Maybe it's that both of these face-times with God have drawn me closer to Him over these past few years. Maybe it's that I am amazed at His love, overwhelmed by His grace and so thankful He meets me in these times. All these are probably true and I've resigned myself to requiring a box of tissues more often.

Actually, it's almost every single time.

As I am reading and praying in preparation for our upcoming study of prayer, I confess I am tad nervous that I may be a mess at each meeting. The great thing is God wants my mess. He wants that time with me because he loves me and there is something in that time, though puffy-eyed and through choked up words, that grants such peace. We pray to and praise an amazing God whose love is unfathomable and yet it meets my every need and covers, through the blood of Jesus, my every failure and my every inadequacy.

The puddle I stand in is not just an overflow of my grateful tears. It's the raining down of His answers to my pleas. It's the pouring out of His spirit over me. It's His cleansing me of my transgressions and making me clean in His presence because of the work of Christ.

When was the last time God's presence overwhelmed you to tears? Jump in the puddle and dance in His Reign. :)

Mommy Dearest

Sometimes I think that if my children were to write a book about me right now, I would come across as Joan Crawford.

I openly admit that I have my "crazy" moments. Times when I am seemingly talking to myself, out of exasperation, because it feels as though no one else is listening. Times when I let my internal monologue out and say things I know I shouldn't. Times when I have LITERALLY heard the recorded version of myself in a rant when Jack was simultaneously playing with the web cam application on our computer. (Not a proud moment and true to crazy, I approached him afterward and said sweetly, "honey could you please erase that...oh, and I LOVE YOU!") ugh...

I overheard an interaction with some mutual friends recently where one friend was unhappy with the discipline choices of a babysitter and opted not to use her again. I think we could all agree, no one else could love or parent our children like we could. But I wholeheartedly also believe that if we are truly honest we could admit that we, ourselves, can often feel inept in our role as parents too. How many times in a moment of chaos with your child/children do you feel an absolute "????" and not know what to do? For me, it's more often than I'd like. It's in these moments when I allow myself to stop and pray and allow God's calm over myself that I usually respond better. But unfortunately, in the thick of it all, when I react- I fail. Now, I haven't beaten anyone with a wire hanger or cut their hair off while screaming, "Why can't you give me the respect I deserve???????!!!!???" But I have worn face cream and a bathrobe...which scares my children no matter what I am saying. :)

Parenting is not easy. It's not like you get a practice round or anything...they actually call that your first child. And maybe by the time you get around to your last, whether it be your second or twenty-second child, you're more relaxed and have learned a few tricks. But I think it can also be said that your LAST child sort of gets a more tired version of yourself. For my firstborn, I had the room ready three months early. I recorded all the details in his baby book. I was careful to read books, attend classes, watch birthing videos...yadda yadda yadda. By my third, I was like..."Hey, back in colonial days babies slept in empty drawers!"(I didn't do this) I was way less structured. In fact while potty training, though religiously consistent with my first, I was more like, "eh...as long as he gets it before high school."

I've had the crazy-can't-find-the-keys moments in the morning when we are, of course, running late to school and I've morphed into this frenzied maniac tossing coats and backpacks around in attempts to find them and then am shamed when I find them in the bathroom where I had left them only 15 minutes before. Honestly whenever I hear another mother share a "crazy" moment, I actually love her more and my soul "sighs" relief that I am not alone in my psychosis.

Thankfully, unlike Joan Crawford, I make every attempt to apologize and reconcile and learn from my mistakes. It's in these moments when I can teach my kids about humility, about forgiveness, taking responsibility for ourselves and God's amazing grace. To exemplify that, even I, am a work in progress but that I am pursuing to be teachable and moldable. I pray for God's work in my life to change me and bless me with patience, self control and wisdom to parent in a way that honors HIM.

Prayerfully my children won't require "too much" counseling when I'm done parenting them, but maybe by then...I will. Ha Ha.

Desperate housewives

I want to be a desperate housewife. You're probably thinking, "huh?" or "a what?". This is not a flattering image of a woman in most senses. Women, throughout history have been desperate for many things and been willing to sacrifice themselves or something treasured out of desperation for something they WANT. But what if my desperation isn't for the right clothes, the pampered life, attention from men, self advancing opportunity or a perfect figure. What if, instead, I am desperate for God. I am already His child, so what is the root of my desperation. I desperately want to KNOW Him more, need to SEEK Him more, to SERVE him more and live my life as a woman, wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend only and ever to Honor His name.

There are certainly days when the circumstances are trying. When I feel lost in a flurry of the busyness that I create for myself. When my plans fail, my confidence wavers and my heart
breaks. I should then, like I'm lost in a storm, cling to the one constant I have which is my Lord. He IS my mighty fortress.

There are also days when the circumstances seem to "go my way". When everything falls into place, is a success and I feel good. I should then, point all success back to the one who causes the earth to spin on it's axis and who holds all creation in the palm of His hand. My accomplishments, if not done for His glory, are futile and empty.

des·per·ate   [des-per-it, -prit]-
1. Having lost all hope; despairing.
2. Marked by, arising from, or showing despair:
3. Reckless or violent because of despair:
4. Undertaken out of extreme urgency or as a last resort:
5. Nearly hopeless; critical
6. Suffering or driven by great need or distress.
7. Extremely intense:

This definition is not flattering or even encouraging. In fact, it sounds rather pathetic and weak. I don't believe that having a spirit that is desperate for God equates to an anxious, erratic or hopeless demeanor. On the contrary, our dependance and reliance for the Lord should inspire and reveal His strengths and power. "In my weakness, He is strong".

The desperation I describe fuels a persons heart to be hungry for God's word, coveting time with Him and feeling anxious to know HIM more. I should be anxious or desperate for nothing else than my Lord. Nothing else than my Lord. Where is my time spent? Where is my
money spent? What is the focus of my desires? What have I given up out of desperation for something selfish? What could i give up to free me from worldly pressure and allow me to have an eternal perspective? Is it ALL about me...or ALL about Him?

I AM a desperate housewife- clinging to, anxious for, putting my hope in, intensely desperate for my God.

Hosea 6:3 (NKJV) Let us know, Let us pursue the knowledge of the LORD. His going forth is established as the morning; He will come to us like the rain, Like the latter and former rain to the earth.

Psalms 27:7-8 (NKJV) Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice! Have mercy also upon me, and answer me. {8} When You said, "Seek My face," My heart said to You, "Your face, LORD, I will seek."

Deuteronomy 4:29 But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Isaiah 26:9 My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you.

Moving on Faith

Life is full of surprises isn't it? I have a love/hate relationship with surprises. On one hand, it's fun to be surprised with something new whether it be a gift, an adventure, or an opportunity. On the other hand, it can be hard to be greeted by an unexpected visitor when you're laying around in your pajamas or if you're a habitual over-scheduler like myself, then a spontaneous event or appointment can be really hard. But even for the biggest control freaks it becomes a reality, sooner than later, that we are really NOT in control of much. Having to "move on faith" and learning to "go-with-the-flow" becomes a necessity rather than a choice. 

We recently camped at Calaveras Big Trees with the kids and my in-laws and it was fun to tour the ancient Sequoia's and learn their story. I love stories and history and as we read about how the first giant tree was found while a man was tracking a bear he'd shot and "inadvertently" came across the biggest tree (later named the "Discovery tree") he or anyone had ever seen and yet that tree had been growing there for well over a century, I began to think how incredible it was that our Lord so often works in this way. While we're strolling along with a plan in mind, He's already been growing and building another path for us that sometimes can lead us into something as big and overwhelming to us as a Sequoia. 

Proverbs 19:21 says, 

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. 

The Lord's purposes are always for a greater will whether it be in a unexpected blessing or the pain of a loss/trial...He promises, 

Joshua 1:9

...Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. 

I love this...He will be with me,..... with you wherever you go...the point is that we go. Just to be clear, this does not give us license to disobey his word in ANY fashion and use His will as justification. His WILL will always call us into obedience. Always. 

Lately, for me, it seems this subject has come up a lot in watching friends experience hardships and life plans diverted, in attempting to plan for this next year with inconsistent work for my husband and in opportunity to serve/grow in ways I never would have thought possible. 

But it may, for you,  mean going into a new job, a new opportunity, a new ministry that terrifies you because you don't know what's ahead and what you fear leaving behind. It may mean that you are taking on a unexpected health issue for yourself or a close family member or that you have lost all that you thought you were (socially, financially, relationally) and are on a road to reconstruction and restoration. In any of these scenarios, it sometimes feels like we are heading forward blindly in the dark without knowing what's at the end. There is something to be said for walking blindly or really, walking by faith...it heightens your other senses and forces you to listen for His voice for guidance and test your way through for confirmation. And our God is faithful every time to give us peace, guidance and affirmation.

Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I pray for faith to walk with my Lord today and  toward tomorrow, whatever it brings. 

Fellowship, Faith and Feathers

  Tomorrow, many amazing women that I love and myself are heading up to South Lake Tahoe to our 2011 Ladies Retreat. I am looking forward to going for so many reasons. 

1. The location...just lovely. How can you NOT see God in His creation.
2. The women...beautiful ladies whom I cherish and am eager to spend time with, learn from and laugh with. (Oh we'll probably cry too..it is a retreat after all. What good is a retreat if it doesn't make you tear up a little.)
3. Freedom..from housework, cooking, thinking about bills, or laundry or children getting up in the middle of the night children, barking dogs..what-have-you. Though, I am thankful for all these things and will miss my family, a break is therapeutic. 
4. The fellowship and intimacy of time together spent in worship..which is, truly, one of my favorite parts. 
5. What the Lord is going to teach us this weekend. I ALWAYS hear His spirit in the words and testimonies shared. The theme is "Feathering Your Nest".
6. The Lord is giving me an opportunity to share, with the other ladies, what He is teaching me on Saturday night...My subtopic, "How Do You Feather Your Nest If You Feel Like You Are Molting?"

Ladies Retreat 2010

I covet your prayers...I pray for God's leading. 

I hope I don't flail...I pray for God's direction. 

I hope I don't get palpitations...I pray for God's strength..for courage. 

One of the verses I am sharing and what I am relying on:
2 Cor 12:9


'But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."


"Feathers are a bird’s most precious possession - beautiful and complex structures that give the gift of flight and insulate their bodies. However, after about a year, these delicate structures wear out. Even with careful preening, the feathers get frazzled and crimped from the wear and tear of ordinary activity." 
from All about Your Parrots Feathers.  

A Mom's heart

I had a lovely Mother's day..I was blessed by my husband and my kids with love, gifts, breakfast in bed and the freedom from housekeeping for the day. It was great! My thankfulness for them and for the day was intermingled with reminders of friends and the stories of recently broken hearted mommies.

"For thus saith the Lord: Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river. and the glory of the Gentiles like a flowing stream. Then you shall feed. On her sides shall you be carried, and dandled on her knees, as one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you." Isaiah 66:12-13.



Being a mom is hard and I love how God uses our love for our children as an illustration for how He loves us. Why? Because we can understand it. We can relate to it. I think for me, God's grace and love for me has ever so much been amplified as I have become and lived as a mommy: the empathy I feel and how my heart can ache for my child as he/she hurts or disobeys and my overwhelming love for them that sometimes makes me feel as though my heart may burst because of the overfilling emotion. We are willing to allow them to experience the consequence of bad choices as an opportunity for them to learn, yet sometimes we offer mercy and pray that this extension will help them understand HOW much you care for them and want to keep them from harm or heartbreak, even if the pain is earned. Isn't that a picture of Christ...of course I am not comparing myself or saying I am anything like our Lord. He is God and His love and grace for us is God sized..meaning it is immeasurable, unfathomable and incredible..and I, as a human am finite, often times self serving and my grace/love can be embarrassingly and admittedly conditional. But we are made in HIS image and I believe one of the ways that we understand and learn about His love for us the most is through the example of parenthood.

From the time we find out we are pregnant (or for some the moment you know you have a child waiting to be adopted) our love exists. Like God breathed life into Adam and Eve in the Garden our love for our children is breathed into existence and from there it grows like ivy interweaving into our lives and hearts like no other.

Father's experience love for their kids too, but I cannot speak for how a man feels or thinks because..well, I'm not a man. But as a woman and as a mom..I can celebrate/understand the anticipation of birth because I've been pregnant and I can understand and weep for the hurt another mom experiences because I get it. Our children are like extensions of our hearts and when something happens to them...we cannot help but suffer with and for them.

My sister shared a story of a mom she knows who endured many years of difficulty getting pregnant.  This poor mama lost her one and only baby in a drowning incident at their home. A quick 5 minutes of being distracted, as we ALL do, with the matters of the home/lives that we manage on a daily basis and he was gone. Five short minutes.

Another mom in our county recently lost her teenage son in a car accident. Out of her control, yet the loss of your child or having to see the suffering of your child is a mom's worst nightmare. You would, if you could..take the torture or loss for them..you would sacrifice yourself so as not to see your child's life not be so hard or to save it.

Another mom lost her sweet baby before even getting to love her outside the womb. It's a lesson in faith and trust in God, but that doesn't mean that her heart doesn't ache for that loss or that her arms don't feel unnaturally empty because there was a little girl who was supposed to fill them. Some mom's will question and judge..

"well, she should of..."..

"why didn't she.."...

"I never...." or reply with self pious, 

"well, if that were me....".

And the truth is we are all vulnerable. ALL vulnerable. We cannot control what happens to our children at every moment of every day. Sometimes their free choice can lead to heart ache and sometimes horrific things happen out of our control or in a short, life-changing five minutes. We should hug our children each day we have with them and THANK GOD for another day and for their protection.

As an ER nurse I have seen mothers' hear the painful news of the diagnosis of cancer or worse the confirmation of death whether from illness or accident or even by their child's own hand. And the wail of a parent who has heard this devastating news will forever be etched in my ears. It's the worst sound you can hear and if you've ever had to hear that cry or see the look on their face, you'd know it. That child could be an infant or 65, but a mother's love never recedes.

God love us like this...even more than this...so great, in fact that he sent His Son to die FOR us, to take our punishment. The punishment and death we deserved because HE loves us that much an more. He did this so we could be reconciled to Him. So we could escape the bondage and imprisonment of sin and be with HIM.  You see, we are His children. He aches when we ache and he doesn't want to see us suffer.  Only He could pay a price that big and He did on the cross. Yes, He has allowed the consequences of sin to reign in the world -BUT...and it's a big BUT...He saved us where it counts...He saved us from an eternity of damnation and separation from Him, we just have to see it and believe it.

The Holy Spirit that God gives us when we accept Him sort of acts as our "mother"...He comforts, He teaches, He convicts, He can utter on our behalf and He can grieve for us. These are God's attributes and it lives in us as mommies. The greatest news is that God bears our burdens..both our own and our burdens for our children. He loves them too. Our children are His children first. He placed them in our wombs, He grew them and knit them together, He gave them to us and gave us to them. So when the burden of motherhood weighs, we can know...He cries with us. He loves them even more than we do and He love us too.

I think, as women and as mothers, God gave us a certain amount of strength that men don't naturally have. Even at Christ's death, the apostles fled, but Christ's mother and the other women stayed. Mary lost her baby..her son...but only to gain a Savior and gain salvation, but I can imagine a mother's heart at that at the time, possibly and probably aching as she watched her boy hurting and dying. Our burdens/hurts are not meant to be left on our shoulders...they are meant to be given back to God. He already sees it and wants to carry it for you..and to carry you.

This is a beautiful story of loss, faith and community. 

Sometimes

Sometimes, a day just leaves you spent.

Sometimes, it can be a week or a month of exhausting events.

Sometimes, the day just doesn't go as you planned.

Sometimes, you wake up tired. 


Sometimes, you come home from a busy day and you don't want to do anything.

Sometimes, the laundry and other chores can wait.

Sometimes, you're child's/childrens' whining makes you want to whine too.

Sometimes, their words make you sad.

Sometimes, being a mom is really hard.

Sometimes, you feel bloated and gross.

Sometimes, it's PMS.

Sometimes, you worry about tomorrow.

Sometimes, I want to go somewhere far away, preferably Florence, Italy and escape.

Sometimes, when you feel like you've used up your energy and your body is tired,  all that sounds good is a jacuzzi and some wine. Then you wish you had a jacuzzi, so you just have your glass of wine.

Everyday, my kids' find a way to make me smile with their words and personalities.

Everyday, I get to be a mom.

Everyday, I wake up thankful for another chance to learn and grow from my Lord.

Everyday, I hug my family and tell them I love them.

Everyday, God holds me in His hand.

Everyday, I am thankful for the blessings of health and provision.

Everyday, I feel blessed to have family and friends that love me.

Everyday, that my husband is home I am happy.

Everyday, the Lord is faithful.

Everyday, is a day that the Lord has made...

His promises are true everyday, even if sometimes I forget.

Fear Not

What is your response to fear? How do you deal with the heart pounding, head spinning, knee knocking sensation you feel when your body is spiked with adrenaline because you are afraid? Afraid because you heard a noise in the house, or because of that near accident in the car or because you've just stood up in front of a crowd to talk or perform, or you feel led to do something that you don't feel prepared to do. When you feel like your knees are going to shake right out from under your body and the tremor would register a 4.3 on the richter scale, your voice is filled with an unnatural vibrato because your rapidly beating heart has taken up residence in your throat and the perspiration could literally be wrung from your clothes..

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

This was the verse for today's Proverbs 31 ministries daily devotional today and it couldn't have come at a more perfect time. The context is so much bigger than anything going on my life at present. Joshua was being called by God to lead the Israelites into the promise land after Moses had passed away. I'm sure Joshua knew and saw first hand how difficult a task this could be as God's chosen people were impatient and forgetful of all the things the Lord had demonstrated to them. He probably saw Moses' frustration and faith and witnessed him die and not reach the Promise land that he had hoped for. If I were Joshua, I would be scared too, but God told him, NO really God COMMANDED him to be strong and courageous..not by his own might, but by God's power and provision. Our Lord can provide for us these things and yet it is our free will and choice to take that step in faith and trust HIM.

The Lord told him "Do not be afraid: do not be discouraged.." He knew Joshua's heart and saw his fear and reluctance..He saw any doubts that Joshua had in himself. God knows us too and his promises are the same for us..He commands us to not be afraid or discouraged in our walk with him or in our life's path AND HE PROMISES to be with us where ever we go. How that encourages me! And it should encourage you...!! The key is that you are going in a step of faith TOWARD where God is leading you..not if you decide to blow him off and do your own thing. The Lord will always be there for you, but he will allow you/I to seek out our selfish desires and reap the consequences of them, yet HE is ALWAYS there waiting to have us come home..(See parable of the Prodigal Son, Luke 15:11-32)

Life is filled with many challenges and you can know without a doubt that if you are a follower of Jesus Christ then "trials and tribulations will come". Whether it's a persecution, an illness, a financial or a relationship struggle, or maybe it's the challenge of stepping out of your comfort zone to do something you don't feel capable, like Joshua. But be encouraged in knowing GOD knows you!! He sees you and knows all your/my doubts and fears and yet he says in a calm reassuring whisper into our ears and hearts..."Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”


Lord, my heart is full of fear and anxiety today. Please help my heart to hear your gentle words and believe them and step forth in faith trusting your leading, your presence and your provision. 
Thank you Lord for knowing me and seeing me especially when I feel unknown and invisible. Please help me to reject the enemies lies and trust you. Lord, I pray for your peace today..I love you. Thank you for loving me. 

For Better or Worse

Do you ever think back on your wedding vows? Every wedding has some sort of semblance to vows or promises whether you are a Believer or not. Did you ever think on that day as you faced the person you love and professed your love, faithfulness and til-death-do-you-part's that you might need to revisit your vows and perhaps repeatedly remind yourself that 1.) you love this person 2.)you made a VOW and A PROMISE to "love and cherish" them through the better AND worse, the richer AND poorer through sickness AND health? What does that mean on your wedding day compared to 5, 10 or 15+ years later? As you stand in white on your "happiest" day (with your make up and hair done, your push up bra, spanks, control top pantyhose or what have you) the worst is barely imaginable. You feel indestructible as a couple. That your love and commitment can conquer any mountain or obstacle. That, as you look into the eyes of your beloved, feeling anything less than love, passion and admiration is unimaginable. But the reality is that every couple has and will experience some disillusionment in marriage, some disappointment in their spouse or with how it all turned out. You'll look at your life occasionally or often and think, "this is not what I imagined for myself" or "how did we get here?" 


I write these things with a heart of gratitude. First, for a God that gives me grace for my sin. Second, with a heart of thankfulness for a husband who loves me with all my imperfections, eccentricities and emotional rantings. And third, with a spirit of reflectiveness for the words of wisdom and encouragement shared by my dear friends who have been there and are, in some cases, still trying to work out the vows and promises made with the day to day trials of two sinful beings attempting to live in unison. It's not easy, is it? It's work. Like anything good is work. Making a patchwork quilt is work and requires hours and hours of tedious and meticulous measuring, cutting, recutting, sewing and maybe sometimes you have to rip all the patches apart and start fresh because your whole pattern was off kilter from the beginning. And when your life's patches are spread out and unassembled it feels messy and chaotic and it's hard to see the goal and imagine it's reachable, but when those patches are put together again and done with love and care..they beauty of it all is special, unique and breathtaking.  Some couples may claim that they never fight or that their marriage was "easy".  Maybe that's true, but it is certainly not true of the majority. You've got to deal with your own expectations, your spouse's expectations and then the realness of who you are and what you each can give. I read in an article by Focus on the Family, "..we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together." (see link)  


So, where does that leave us. Living the life given, not the life you think you should have had. Loving the person you married because you promised to and they promised to love you back. Accepting the things about them and yourself that cannot be changed and cherishing the things that they are. Striving to be the spouse that God would have you be and loving in a way that brings out the best in the other...not antagonizing and bringing out the worst in each other which is far easier to do. Just as with every up, there is a down and dark there is a light...with the "worse", there can be better. Pray through the worse and give thanks for the better. Love through the worse and celebrate the better. 


  "If you've been married long enough, and if life has been hard enough, if you're very honest, you've had tiny nearly invisible moments when you look over at that person, watching TV or getting a glass of water and you think, Who is this person? How did we get here?
   You never feel this on your wedding day. You can't even imagine it on your wedding day. But life invades, and brokenness and immaturity and sin invade and all of a sudden, there you are, and you start to believe that you might not ever be able to get back to where you were, all shiny and perfect and bursting with love, on your wedding day.
...The Best gifts we can give each other this year are apologies and acceptance, gifts we should have been giving one another all along, but forgot for a season, in the midst of hurt feelings and tangled conversations. So here we are: saying we're sorry, letting go, accepting, listening closely for the first time in a long time." 
Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist (excerpt from the chapter titled "Steak Frites")


"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but you still have to mow it."
author unknown

Brain cells

I have this theory that having kids kills brain cells. It's like using crack. I looked at the side effects of long term cocaine use:


Even aftermonths of abstaining, people who have used cocaine for a long time can have problems thinking, such as memory, attention, problem solving, and use of words. They can also have problems with hand-eye coordination.

 (http://www.netwellness.org/question.cfm/35653.htm)

My crazy brain-cell-suckers at Santa Cruz. :)

 Yep...uh huh...yes, motherhood to a tee. You laugh, but it starts in pregnancy. Remember when you felt like you were losing your mind and your body was being used as a science experiment. Yes, pregnancy is beautiful and an amazing gift of God and a time of bonding with your ever growing baby and belly. BUT, as God is forming that little creation in your innermost parts...I have a feeling that it's a little joke of His to suck some of that "knitting" from your cerebral cortex. I'm not sure if men ever feel this...my husband says "no" and mocks me saying "I feel smarter every day, just ask me a question..". Jerk. (just kidding)

 I've heard MORE than a few women share they've felt this way. I even know of a mom who went in to her doctor after having her third kid convinced she had ADD. Nope, you're just a mom. I remember the days when I felt smart, or rather smarter than I am now and felt like I could keep facts and appointments and such. I finished nursing school and worked two jobs and had little sleep. But you could not prepare me for the balancing of not just mine, but my husbands' and all three kids' schedules. I can completely relate to the mom I mentioned above. Here's one scenario: I may start out doing dishes but then remember I have to quickly move the clothes from the washer to the dryer and while doing this think that it'd be wise to start another load while I'm there...then I remember I need to check the kids' hampers for any other "whites" and while in one of the rooms I see some snack cups left by my youngest who likes to take his snacks "to go"...so I head back into the kitchen to put that in the sink when the dog wants out, break up a fight between my two youngest over which game they are going to play, then my oldest asks for help with his homework. Your brain cells are really going fast now as you realize that this is 3rd grade work and you have NO ideas what he's supposed to do and you pose the questions back at him and he figures it out  and you realize your 8 1/2 year old may quite be smarter than you at this point, it's then that the phone rings and it's my husband wanting me to check for something in his closet that he may have left at home, while in my room and on the phone with him I think that I should be productive and perhaps fold the clean load of clothes laying on my bed....{Pop} There goes another brain cell.

It's bad enough that your body has succumbed to all gravity and you pee when you laugh, but why must my mind go too???

The trend continues. We each have mothers and maybe, like mine you are seeing the repercussions of years of killed brain cells. My mother is amazing and I am so thankful to have her. She is a wonderful mother, grandmother and gives, gives, gives all the time. Though a few weeks ago we were heading into a restaurant and I let my mom know that my sister was already here and saving a table for us and as we walked past the hostess my mother yelled out "Helloooooo", I quickly turned to her and chuckled under my breathe "What ARE you doing?", I nodded at the hosted and said "I'm sorry, we see our party". It freaked me out...had she lost ALL social skills? {POP, POP, POP}...those cells are going fast now.

The great news is we haven't lost our minds...or at least not totally. We are blessed with the jobs "helpmates", teacher, housekeeper, cooks, financial planner (for some), social director, nurse, taxi driver, counselor and home manager .As I've mentioned in my first post, our minds are likened to that of spaghetti and here's why. How could we manage all that otherwise? Some moms are less committed outside the home, some are more organized, some are working full time...and shoot, some have housekeepers. But, in each scenario you can surely see the {POP} happen and when honest, most mothers will tell you they feel so. My encouragement lies in the promise,

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, 

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

Usually, I'm frazzled feeling the {POP} of brain cells long gone because, I'm trying to do it with my own strength and resources.  The Word reminded me  that God's power and presence can be made known in the life of my children if ONLY I would stop making it about what "I" can do and more about what "HE" is doing. 

I may still lose brain cells as the years go on for that is life and we are dying a bit each day in these earthly bodies, but hopefully it'll only make me more entertaining for my children when I am older. And I pray that I will reflect God in ALL things and rely on HIM and pray, pray, pray for my kids. 

Wise words from my mom:

"You are the perfect mom for your kids and God knew what He was doing when HE made you their mommy." (during a hard day when I felt like I was failing)

"God was the perfect parent and even Adam and Eve rebelled." (Lesson in choice...our children are not robots, they are sinful humans. Raise them as God would have you and pray that they will choose Him too. Their successes and failures are not necessarily related to what you did, but what they chose.)

Fillet of Soul

You ever just "put something out there" emotionally or intellectually and are left hearing only the sound of crickets? If you're a responder/emoter/talker like myself then this kind of scenario leaves you feeling open, empty and vulnerable and wanting to retract your words ASAP. Then, of course, you're mind races through what the receivers are thinking about you and if you're a "tad crazy" and maybe you are...but if your emotional "guts" are laying out there, you hope that someone "gets" you, understands and maybe even relishes in your openness because we all need to be heard and validated, don't we?  Not to say that everything we think, say or offer is valid but without that openness and honesty and sharing of ideas, where is the intimacy? How do we grow, get challenged and develop as people if we are not heard or hear others, for that matter. I pray that when I speak, I honor God in my words and that if I don't then those who love me well will tell me so, because they "get" me and know me and hear me and understand that this will encourage me to live, think and speak better. And I pray that I will listen and allow those around me to feel heard and understood.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Jenga

This last weekend, during the post-Thanksgiving-gluttony-afterglow we, like many, start decorating for Christmas. I got out my nativity scene, my snow globes and other Christmas paraphernalia. I was dependent upon my husband to retrieve the Christmas tree from the depths of the garage or under the house or wherever the heck he stores it. Meanwhile, I had out all my lovely ornaments that I keep neatly stored in my "organized" ornament box.  Then there's the other ornaments that won't fit into the ornament box, so I admit, I had them haphazardly stacked on my trunk in my family room thinking "well, they'll be fine here because before the day is done they will be carefully and beautifully placed on our pre-lit 8ft tall Kmart special Martha Stewart brand Christmas tree" (yes, I live among the pine trees and have a fake Christmas tree- don't judge. :0). But, this year we also had a storm for Thanksgiving and our driveway was like that of a bobsled course, slick and icy and my hard working hubby was working hard to clean it up along with other house maintenance stuff that needs to be done post storm and the Christmas tree never got put up. Later that day my husband went to grab something off the coat hook mirror that is directly above the before mentioned trunk and nearly knocked over my ornament pile. He said flatly, "What's up with the ornament "Jenga"?" We all laughed at the comparison.

Sometimes, as a mom or even as a woman, life can make you feel like a "Jenga" game. If you're not familiar, "Jenga"is a game of engineering really. It's a stack of wooden blocks into an approximate 16 inch tower and the goal is to take turns removing bricks from the tower, not from the top mind you, but from the middle, the bottom, the sides and all the while making sure the tower doesn't topple. If it falls while you're removing a wooden piece, you lose. I feel like this often. Like I'm the tower and I'm trying to stay erect while I let others remove my blocks. But ultimately, if I'm not letting Christ renew me and if I'm having the attitude that others are taking my time, my strength, my energy instead that I'm giving of myself to honor God and demonstrate love to others, then my tower wobbles and it sways until that one block is removed (otherwise known as the straw that broke the camels back) and I collapse. Perhaps emotionally by exploding at my kids or husband, maybe physically by getting sick or I get mad and pouty toward the loving Lord who wanted to sustain me all along, but I wouldn't let him. My focus and my faith is wrong. My eyes need to be ever fixed on the maker and sustainer of my soul and only then will I stand firm. Relying on my own strength leaves me weak and easily taken down. Please Lord, help me to remember I am not my own, I am yours. Renew my energy today to serve and love those around me.

Psalm 54:4 "Behold, God is my helper. The Lord is the one who sustains my soul."