I haven't blogged in 3 months and to be honest, I had previously decided I wasn't going to pursue it any longer. There was something in myself that began to feel insecure about doing this because: Blogs are commonplace. So many of my own friends blog that I don't even have time to keep up with them all. 2.) I didn't feel particularity passionate about any particular subject and really was uncomfortable with "idea" of having a specific theme or "platform" because it seemed to me that I was claiming some authority, experience, victory or savvy about a subject. I dont like trying to "sell" myself and trying to get more visibility. It felt like I was cheapening my smile and my words with motives behind them. Recently, I had come to a point of decision that I would no longer advocate for myself, but for Christ, whatever that looks like. I concede that I'm not a biblical scholar, I'm not particularly eloquent with words either in the spoken or written form and I don't really know what I'm doing. Really, I don't.
I'm thankful for some really amazing quiet times recently that reminded me of some truths... I spent some time in God's word, in prayer and spent time listening for God. I waited and hoped for a prophesy or a clear direction for how I could serve the Lord, how I could love and encourage women toward knowing and seeking God more. What God reminded me was that I needed to trust him in the moment and stop trying to strain my eyes to see the end. I confess I have struggled with that for a long time..."Lord, if you could just reveal to me when or how (fill in the blank here), then it'd be easier to trust you and not despair."
On one particular evening I was with some dear friends hanging out while our kids were at AWANA club. One of the gals said at the end of our time, "We should share prayer requests!" It was a casual and spontaneous moment to which I responded, "I don't know. I guess I'd like direction where and how God wants to use me". (Up to that point I didn't feel particularly led to do much of anything and had contributed where there seemed to be need and/or opportunity.) upon returning to the church I ran into our Ladies ministry deaconess who had been faithfully loving on and teaching my babes that night who approached and shared that she wanted me to go to the She Speaks Conference (put on in North Carolina July 2012 by Proverbs 31 Ministries. This last year I had the blessing of getting to be one of four speakers at our own retreat last year and at a MOPS group.) I was floored and humbled because I didn't feel qualified or worthy of t he investment. I spoke with my husband that evening who encouraged me to go as well. I am excited to attend and am so looking forward to hearing the testimonies and gleaning wisdom from fellow sisters who are out there being bold for Christ. I am under no delusion that going to this conference is going to make me into anything, but its a step. It's a step in faith. A step toward growth in an area that scares me...my words. Is it ironic or God's design that my weaknesses and spiritual gifts have to do with my tongue. I'm thankful for a God who created and knows me better than I know myself and reminded me that all i need to do is be available for him. He reminded me that if I knew or stressed over my future, I'd ignore the amazing opportunity to enjoy, learn, grow, love, encourage and trust in the present. He gently whispered in my heart that I need to trust him with each step because each step toward him has purpose.
With that said, I sit here writing this today with no platform other than the promises of our Lord in my Bible that I know I can stand on. I have no knowledge except that my God pursued me and loved when no one else would and He's coming back to get me. I have no passion except wanting to know my God and serve Him wholeheartedly. My hope is that I can be an empty vessel so His light and spirit may fill and overflow out of me.
What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. Ecc 1:9
My job is not to show you something new, my job is to point you back to you know who.