Focus

I'm sensing this theme in my life as of late and today it has all come into focus. Recently, I've posted on time management at least twice, "5 minutes" and on goals/dreams. Upon a friend and fellow bloggers suggestion, I had started reading this ebook called "31 days to a better blog". On one of the days, it told us (the book is so bossy) to promote our blog. I admit that I didn't like it, nor do I like the "idea" of promoting myself or the blog...it feels so used-car-sales-man-like (no offense to any used car sales men out there).  My friend suggested that it doesn't have to be a "hey come read my blog cause it's awesome" (said with a dramatic flair and much sarcasm)...it's just using the whole World Wide Web of networking to get the word out and see who might like your "words". So, I sent emails, posted on a few blogs, joined a few groups and placed their buttons on my page. They are ALL great sites with lots of resource and lots to offer, but I've found that the expectations of all these groups and the pushing to "guest post" and really working to "sell myself" to be exhausting, self serving and has diverted me from my original goal of just wanted to encourage someone. Of course the human side of me would love to be loved, liked and followed...but, the Lord living in my heart reminds me that it is not about me and that it should be ALL about Him, it is He who uses me, He who works, He who encourages and I am just a vessel and really, this makes me feel a huge sigh of relief in my soul.

You know that feeling like when you take of your bra at the end of the day or when you've eaten so much that you have to unbutton your already too tight pants to breathe...what? You never had that problem? Uh, neither did I...(clear throat), yeah, I am the epitome of self control in my eating...yeah, uh I just heard about it from a friend. :)

But what my blathering is trying to express it that I now feel so much less pressure. I don't have the time for guest posts, for linking to and networking on all these other blogs as much as it is suggested. I do have some blogs that are written by friends or that I really enjoy and connect with that I will follow. I am content to be just me and let God be God and use me...to prayerfully encourage someone, but I know it will be me who finds encouragement as I watch and listen for Him in moving and working my heart. Plus, I don't want blogging to become a job that weighs on my schedule, on my mind and on my life. I want to live my life and spend my time with my husband, with my children and with the people that I love. The writing, I pray, will be a natural overflow of what God is doing in the midst of all that and my constant need to to seek Him in it. I hope you, too, will live the life He has given you and that we will seek Him together.

I thank the Lord for reminding me of this today and over the last month and I thank and link to Proverbs 31 ministries today, not because I am looking for connections, but because I want to share with you how the Lord spoke to me this morning. He is good. I'm thankful He woke me up early, I'm thankful for refocus and I am thankful for a day with my kids.

5 minutes

What??? You don't have time to read my long winded blog posts...what? (gasp) shock! Awe! Nah..I get it. I'm still mothering myself, so short and to-the-point devotions or encouraging words are needed and often..like, now.....help me!!!!! jk

Here's one blog that groups together all kinds of christian mom bloggers...most much better than I..but I read a quote recently (read below) that encouraged me that it's ok if I'm not the best writer, or the most thoughtful thinker or the most popular blog..the point is that we share ourselves and our Lord with the others around us. 

"The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." -Henry Van Dyke

Do you have any other blogs or devotions that you read/do when you need 5 minutes of affirmation? What are they?

Summer of ugh!

When I was a kid, the summer months were great!

For one, there were 3 of them and we didn't go back to school til after the State Fair and Labor day...do you remember those days? Now our kids get two months at best!

For two, we spent 90% of our summer in our bathing suits while playing in the pool or outside with neighbor kids having water fights, playing kickball games, making up shows... Yes, shows. The late 70's and early 80's were very big on musicals. I used to borrow my mom's knee high boots and wear my hair with braided barrettes trying to look like Olivia Newton-John in Xanadu. Please don't hold this against me. Thank you.

For three, summer was great because we had no agenda. We may have had one long weekend of "vacation" to San Francisco, Marriott's Great America or on really great years to Disneyland. My family were not big travelers, they were not outdoorsy or athletic but we didn't know we were missing out on anything. A wise person I know told me that we "set the standard" for our kids...life and fun are defined by us as parents. If we live like the rich, famous and spoiled..we are potentially teaching our children to expect this kind of lifestyle.

Nowadays, summer tends to be busy, at least if feels that way to me. Within the first two weeks we have VBS at our church, then comes up the weekend of Ladies Retreat and a annual family reunion (which always fall on the same weekend). Then it's the 4th of July (annual party at my parents), family camp, Catie's dance recital, swim lessons and any other spontaneous fun you try and squeeze in. Plus, I still have to work my 6-8 days a month and we end up spending a lot of time taking the family down the hill. We live 50+ miles from my work and from family who are gracious to watch the kids when we need help. I haven't even gone to any of the fun water aerobic or fit dancing classes going on in town because we've either been gone or when we are home, we're exhausted.

I don't know about you...but summer wears me out. It's filled with GOOD things. We're not doing anything crazy or ambitious. Right?

I'm curious and calling on other Muddled Moms..what do your summers look like? Do you have any advice for me or other mamas who are feeling the exhaustion of summer? Do you work or stay at home? How do you maintain a healthy balance for your family?

All I want to do is hang out at home, let the kids play. I wish we had a pool..(this picture is from when we camped at Calaveras Big Trees) because I would do this as often as possible.

A summer challenge is put on my friend and blogger Christy at www.OneFunMom.com

Time spent

I've had a revelation about myself today: I function better on a schedule.

Why? Because I lack discipline and when I am left with a day all to myself or rather..no place to go and nothing that HAS to be done...I can waste it away getting very little done.  By little, I mean..I will stay in my pajamas and maybe do a little laundry, load and run the dishwasher, pay the bills..bathe and feed the children and let them watch TV and play outside and entertain themselves. Some of you may say...there is nothing wrong with this. Others might scoff because by 9am they had already baked bread, did an hour of yoga, reupholstered a couch, cleaned their entire home, home schooled all 5 of their kids, all while maintaining a great figure and looking beautiful without any make-up....I may be exaggerating, it was probably all done by noon. :) But it's these types of get-it-done-ers that make me feel the pressure to be just like that.

On the flip side, I can tend to over schedule. So much so, that I am then filled to the brim with responsibilities and activities and then have no time at all. So much that sometimes I cry out to the heavens.."HELP!" or just whine at my husband and close friends about how busy I am and they agree. So, what is a under disciplined, over scheduling, mother of three to do with a day free of scheduling?

Well, I've decided...(because I've been informed of this and so I'm going to stamp it on my forehead for all to see!! OK, I'm not really stamping it on my forehead. I have to go out later and that would just be embarrassing) that a day at home, doing nothing, is OK....(sigh), it's OK....it's OK?

It feels inherently wrong to me. And so my natural response is to schedule in stuff that feels productive or worth-while in the "free" time. Whether it be a mom's prayer group, a bible study, a work meeting, a lunch date, a play date, a day out with the kids to do something "fun", the cleaning out of a room. Then of course there's the never-ending list in my head that need to happen like weeding the yard, painting a room, refinishing the cabinets, ripping out the bathroom down to it's guts and rebuilding it from scratch, rebuilding the deck and adding on to the house...these project being performed by me, all terrify my husband. Well, except the weeding part. But many of my aspirations are too grand for me to do alone. But I love to accomplish things now..or really, yesterday. Could I pay you to do it?  Oh, right..I can't afford you...you get me, right? Please say you get me...anyone..(crickets sounding...chirp, chirp..-you think I'm kidding. Really, there are crickets in our laundry room in a container for the feeding of our gecko. I digress.)

This is a crucial lesson for me because starting August 11, all three of my precious darlings will be in all day school together...coffee anyone? I've already had the conversation with my husband and others re: the possibility of using this "free" time to go back to school and get my Masters degree. But a wise person said, "Why don't you just enjoy one year, some time to yourself before you jump into another commitment.." Genius. Wisest words ever..or at least wisest words this week. So, I need to learn and practice discipline in my life.. and this is my plan (I love to have a plan)- I am going to write out a week's worth of goals and then when I finish them..enjoy the list checked off and relax...relax.... relax?? All the while maintaining a sense of go-with-the-flow when things come up, as discussed in my last post..right?

You're going to need to pray me through this one. It's not going to be easy.

Balloons

Life has been busy. Good busy. Tired and exhausting busy. Our ladies retreat was fantastic. Great fellowship, learning, laughing...all the good stuff I'd anticipated. I loved hearing from the other lady's and hearing how and what the Lord has been and is doing in their lives. I especially loved our pre-meeting prayer times together- so special. I felt blessed and privileged to be a part of it.

As far as my speaking time went, I can declare, "God is good." And although I had the whole thing written out, I could not regurgitate the experience for you with any clarity. I can say that I learned a lot about God's word, His plans and how much I need Him. The lady's laughed with/at me and we cried and afterward we hugged. You may ask, "why all the crying and hugging?"..well, we're girls. It's what we do amidst the giddiness of being together and we relish in the break away from the "real" world where we are responsible caretakers for the ones we love. 

Since then, I admit to feeling, sort of, "out of words". I can't describe it except to say I have been mentally and emotionally tired since then. There were 4 long months of build up to the retreat and it sort of feels like you are a balloon being blown up for a party. While getting ready you are being stretched, made full, ready for action and then all of a sudden you are let go and you whir about, make lots of funny noises and then there you are- left, deflated, stretched out and covered in spit. 

Much of it is my own fault. I apparently have issues with over scheduling myself. I figured that
a couple of short camping trips,
a ladies retreat,
a week of VBS,
a day at 6 flags
and a dance recital was a tame summer schedule for us. There was no week long vacation planned, no swim lessons..yet as I stagger from day to day...I realize my error. 

My husband's work has been slow and he's been working about 20-30% less, henceforth our income is reduced as well. So I've been picking up extra shifts, which we realize is a blessing that we have this option. But in between the scheduled activities, the work days, the commute, the coming up and down the hill (54 miles one way)... I find we have very little down or free time. 

It's all selfish and whiny, waaah.

I need to stop and take a breath. 

I need to take it one day at a time.

Forced Time Out

Today my youngest is home sick. Two nights ago he complained of feeling tired which is usually something my kids will never cop to at bedtime...during homework time-yes, when it's time to clean their room- yes, during shopping of any kind-oh yes, but rarely at bedtime do they express exhaustion or a readiness to go to bed. That was my first clue. Clue #2 came at approximately 12:30am when he came into my room and said, "I think I'm sick." When I asked him what made him feel bad he responded, "I threw up in the hallway."...yeah, that pretty much clinched it. He stayed home yesterday with a fever and enjoyed the company of his daddy who had a random and spontaneous day off due to weather and they watched cartoons and Indiana Jones.

This morning when he woke up and said his stomach hurt, I wasn't about to take any chances of barf happening outside the control of home. If you've ever cleaned out a car or car seat from a barf episode, then you get it. And you may have even shouted out, in empathetic agreement, an "Amen" and I would shout it right back because we can attest no matter how well you clean out that car seat and deconstruct it to get to all those nooks and crannies...it's never the same...never. Funkified forever.

I'm not sure if all mom's feel this way, but I sort of secretly love it a little bit when they are home sick..Not because I enjoy their discomfort at all. I want them well, always! But when they are sort of feeling "punky" and are at home and snuggling with you and calm and sweet...it reminds you of a time when they were like that all the time and life was perhaps less busy...though at the time, I thought life was crazy and that I was so busy. Hindsight..yeah, I get it. Nowadays, life does get pretty busy and this month especially is packed with celebrations of birthdays, mother's day, graduations, VBS meeting, Ladies Retreat writing, we have 5 field trips, an open house, a play performance and in the middle of that, I'm squeezing in my usual 6-7/days of work in the ER...and even now trying to recall all that is going on this month is making my brain start to hurt. Ok, well that could be caffeine withdrawal too, as I'm out of my favorite coffee. :(

These sick days can really throw wrench in a busy mom's schedule. The little things like having to get more dog food or helping out in one of the other kids' classes or having to miss an exercise class you were really excited to try, but it's all ok. I gladly forego these types of things for a day to snuggle and take care of my lovies. The secondary blessing for someone like myself who can tend to overfill her schedule with, what are, ALL good things..is that it is a forced time out. A day to snuggle, make snacks, watch cartoons and love on your boy....I will get some things accomplished that are "need to's" like running the dishwasher, cleaning out the guinea pig cage, maybe start some laundry, bake a large cookie for my oldest class play tonight and sneak in a blog post...hee hee because I have a hard time JUST sitting all day...well, that's not entirely true. I CAN sit all day and watch movies and relax, it's just that later tonight I'll be angry at myself and while wallowing in my sense of failure I may eat one of those hostess mini donuts....and from there the snowball grows. So, I'll sneak in some productivity amidst the hugging and loving on my boy and enjoy the forced time out God has given me. The good news...no barfing, no fever and he's perked up so far this morning. YAY!

What am I doing?

Let me preface, if only to myself, I don't write well. I talk a lot, for that matter, but not intelligently. I don't know why I'm doing this, really. I suppose I'm curious, wondering and feeling reflective. I don't keep a journal, although I've thought about it like a thousand times, it just seems so time consuming and let's face it...WHO has this kind of time. Well, for one, I don't. I should be cleaning my house or exercising or something productive for sure.  So, why am I starting a blog...perhaps to minimize the overwhelming extrovert-ness in myself and save my friends, family and my poor introvert husband from my need to talk out everything I'm thinking all the time. When I have attempted to journal in the past, I felt I sounded dumb and laughed at my attempts to sound intelligent in my writing, because like I said, I don't write.  But, here I am. Putting in all out there and not just in a tattered journal, but on the internet of all places. Oh and I should warn you (if there is a you reading this) I tend to talk and write in run on sentences. So, if you are an english major, I welcome any suggestions on how to improve the way I write or speak. I've heard men are linear thinkers and women's minds are more or less like spaghetti, all over the place. This is definitely true of  myself.

Over this last year I have come across multiple friends (ok, maybe 5) who blog and when coming across these individuals and their sites, I wonder...do people really CARE what we have to say. I mean, we have narcissistic tendencies as a society to be sure (.. All the reality shows....you know which ones I'm talking about...the housewives, the parents of multiples, the marriages of multiples, dangerous jobs, the overly rich and spoiled...Oh geez, I could go on for days and apparently, so can this trend.) But, I've been encouraged by some of these bloggers in their thoughts shared and in their boldness to share them. Because let's face it, many of us don't feel comfortable sharing our questions, or doubts, our fears and our weaknesses. Encouragement doesn't just occur while watching someone else's successes but also in seeing their shared struggles and sometimes in each other's painful losses and failures. Ultimately through all this we will hopefully see God's amazing weaving through the calluses and pin pricks, the magnificent creation along the rocky, windy road and His beautiful pottery produced in the midst of the the dirty, messy and beat down process. We are not done raising our children and God is not done with us.

Titus 2:3-5 states:

^3(C) Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior,^(D)not slanderers^(E) or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, ⁴and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, ⁵to be self-controlled,^(F) pure,^(G) working at home, kind, and^(H) submissive to their own husbands,^(I) that the word of God may not be reviled. 

This is not new and in fact there are probably 4378+ (I'm guessing, of course) other blogs and or websites using the same verse as their foundation for existing. However, can there be enough encouragement or teaching? It seems to me that there are many women who are feeling like life, marriage and parenthood is not what they expected and YES, that is true in all of us in varying degrees. But, I see a sea of "believers" in mega churches and in the small intimate churches alike who feel utterly alone and "muddled". And so, here we are. Here I am, thankful for God's vast mercy and grace for me. Hoping to find Him more as I offer this up as a both a confession and prayer. Dear Lord, Help Me. I don't know what I'm doing?