Listen

 Let us be silent so we may hear the whisper of God. -Emerson

 It's been a quiet day and I've just spent the last 5+ hours reorganizing my desk, burning old papers, filing important ones and putting memories in a special place for keeping. I've cancelled credit cards then cut them up and made a plan to spend different. To, in fact, spend less. There's something cleansing about cleaning out your home, in the cleaning up the mess, throwing out the old, getting rid of the needless and making a clean start. It's a jab at my pride whenever I do this because I see how truly unorganized I am and even, I admit, delusional about who I believe myself to be because you cannot hide from the filth or the hidden mess. You cannot set in order your life without first throwing out the trash. We've all got trash (ie. sin, lies, inappropriately placed values) in our lives, some of us just manage it differently. I am thankful for the gift of the Holy Spirit who reveals this in me and then works to help me set my priorities and heart in order. It's apparent that I need more that just a Spring cleaning. I may need a an overhaul.

I'v realized that maybe I've tried to manage things myself and failed. This is true in my finances, in family and most painfully in my spiritual life. There have been some eye opening moments...some that caused me to question my past faith compared to the understanding I attained. There has been some moments of feeling drawn in to the Lord's presence and some of feeling rebellion toward Him in my heart. In all this I keep talking to Him and telling Him how I want things to "go down"...but asking for His will as well. What I've heard from Him today is that I have not been listening enough. 

It's no shock, if you know me, that I'm chatty and that I love to make people laugh and love to encourage but often I fill the uncomfortable silent moments of my life and my conversations with more of my talking, my planning and my purposes rather that wait on God to lead it. 

I've heard others mention on facebook that instead of having a resolution, they're choosing a word to live this year by and I am choosing to do the same. This year, I choose to listen...to Him, His Spirit and to the people around me. I pray this year is His and that whatever He brings about in and through me is a result of His direction and not my ambitious pursuits. I will wait for and lean in to hear His direction all the while pursuing to be faithful to what I know He has already called me to as a wife, a mother, an employee, a member of a church body and as a missionary for Christ in the world He has placed me in. This is my purpose and Christ is more than sufficient. Here I am Lord. 

"And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave."-I Kings 19:11-13

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." -Phil 1:21

Diagnosed vs Defined

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Cor. 12:7-10) 

Our society loves a diagnosis. We love a name, a reason or a blame for why our lives are what they are. I'm always perplexed by those who enter the Emergency Room anxious from their lack of oxygen and are desperate for "WHY" they feel bad and want and "ANSWER" for they're suffering yet they have refused to stop smoking even up until the front doors of the ER. For some, their history or diagnosis becomes the stage on which they define their whole day or even their whole life. 
Their. Whole. Life. 

Each one of us can fall into this trap. Have you ever offered something about your past or your present for why you fail at something today. I have. What I love about this scripture in 2 Corinthians is Paul doesn't even give his thorn credit. He doesn't call it by name. We can assume it's not a sin issue because he would state a need for repentance and Paul was no slack when it came to calling things as they were. I think if he had given his thorn a name we would've had a whole multitude of people who then would justify their weakness because this great man of God "had it too". To speculate, It could've been depression because Paul spent many years in trials that many of us couldn't hold a candle to...jailed for years, shipwrecked three times, on the run for his life, abandoned at sea, bitten by a snake, beaten, mocked, and the list goes on. His thorn could've been a physical ailment...arthritis, gout, migraines, acne, restless leg syndrome....Whatever it was, what he does is, he tells us that he asked for God to remove it, three times and then he tells us the Lord's answer, "My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Then Paul goes on to tell us he will glory in his infirmities so that Christ may rest on him. Does God have the power to heal us?? Yes! Should we ask for it? Yes!! BUT even if he doesn't....even if He DOESN'T...we have to know, because it says so in scripture, that God's GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. If we say it is not, we call God a liar. 

Our history and our present ailments should not define who we are and be the theme of our lives. The only thing we should be defined by is the redeeming love of our Jesus and the unfailing grace of our God. We are NOT permitted to baste and stew in our past or in our present. We ought to be bathed and drenched in the Spirit of God who gives us grace to endure. 

I want to clarify that there are seasons in life that are painful. Emotional and Physical traumas that stifle us...for a time. I don't claim the duration in which these things last. And I also want to state that some of these painful stories need to be told so as to offer and demonstrate the hope we have in God and that He is faithful in all things. This is what many of testimonies of scripture do. I do know for a fact that our pains and suffering are, yes, part of our story....but even greater...they are part of HIS STORY in us. We are designed for HIS Glory. The whole scripture, in all the stories told and the lives lived, many sufferings were endured but none greater that the suffering of my Jesus on our behalf. If all these souls could speak to us today they would say, "IT is worth it!!, Endure!!!" 

My job in the Emergency Department is as a nurse to assist the sick, sad and injured with immediate help, emergent help. My job as a daughter of God is to live a life that glorifies him in all things, preach Christ and encourage others to do the same. I confess that, as I feel that our Lord has called me recently to do more for His kingdom, I have felt fear that my faith would be tested. I hope and pray that whatever the plan God has for this life He has given me, that I would hold my hands open to him that I would testify to His goodness, His mercy and His grace in anything that He filters through his hands. He loves me and He loves my family and I trust my Jesus. I don't want the excuses of my past or my present OR even the fear of my future to inhibit anything he wants to do in me or through me. Because, in the beginning and in the end, I am His, my future is with Him and that is a good thing. 

I am linked up here with fellow sisters: